![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
So, it's been nice, but I've decided to take a little move.
http://davidchuweiming.wordpress.co
(yeah, it's quite an unimaginative name.)
This journal has held an amazing amount of memories, both good and bad, but I've decided to start another one elsewhere, so...if you're bored enough to actually be reading this, you can start reading that one too!
Take care, all.
http://davidchuweiming.wordpress.co
(yeah, it's quite an unimaginative name.)
This journal has held an amazing amount of memories, both good and bad, but I've decided to start another one elsewhere, so...if you're bored enough to actually be reading this, you can start reading that one too!
Take care, all.
Reality is a painful thing when it cuts through a pleasant delusion.
You live your life, for a day maybe, for a few hours, maybe for weeks even, in a pleasant illusion of what blatantly isn't the truth. You spend that time thinking ahead, even, maybe foolishly believing that your delusion might actually become fact and continue for a longer period of time.
Then you wake up.
The better the delusion, the more enjoyable, or the more emotional the delusion is, the harder the slap to the face that reality is. You wake up from the delusion, the illusion of the past few weeks, thinking: "So what was the point of all that?". Thinking, that maybe, there's a way to rescue what's falling into little fragments and crumbling into dust even as you think.
The first thing you do is lament. "Oh, why today? Why did it have to end today?"
You feel as if you're falling into some black pit. Even if it's something you do very often, doing it again doesn't make it any less painful.
Then you hit the bottom of the pit. You lie there for a while, cursing your idiocy, nursing your wounds, and you think again: "So what was the point of all that?", but in the end you wake up and realise something. Maybe waking up from the delusion was better. Even if it meant something really good being torn away from you, ultimately, you realise that it's for the best, and staying with the delusion for too long would have probably destroyed all that you worked to build before you fell into the trap of deceiving yourself.
The day I realise that all this is probably for the better, will be the day that I can finally get back to my life and continue on the process of moving forward, from where I left off.
Better start working towards it, and avoiding falling into any more self-deceptive traps then.
You live your life, for a day maybe, for a few hours, maybe for weeks even, in a pleasant illusion of what blatantly isn't the truth. You spend that time thinking ahead, even, maybe foolishly believing that your delusion might actually become fact and continue for a longer period of time.
Then you wake up.
The better the delusion, the more enjoyable, or the more emotional the delusion is, the harder the slap to the face that reality is. You wake up from the delusion, the illusion of the past few weeks, thinking: "So what was the point of all that?". Thinking, that maybe, there's a way to rescue what's falling into little fragments and crumbling into dust even as you think.
The first thing you do is lament. "Oh, why today? Why did it have to end today?"
You feel as if you're falling into some black pit. Even if it's something you do very often, doing it again doesn't make it any less painful.
Then you hit the bottom of the pit. You lie there for a while, cursing your idiocy, nursing your wounds, and you think again: "So what was the point of all that?", but in the end you wake up and realise something. Maybe waking up from the delusion was better. Even if it meant something really good being torn away from you, ultimately, you realise that it's for the best, and staying with the delusion for too long would have probably destroyed all that you worked to build before you fell into the trap of deceiving yourself.
The day I realise that all this is probably for the better, will be the day that I can finally get back to my life and continue on the process of moving forward, from where I left off.
Better start working towards it, and avoiding falling into any more self-deceptive traps then.
today, i worked on 3 cases.
i just finished the last 2 simultaneously.
it’s a little depressing to know how much of hell the world holds, that you can’t even do a thing to clean up.
of course, it’s a lot more painful to have that hell happen to someone you know personally. and since i’m not even professional yet, every case has some personal connection or other.
don’t get me wrong, it gives me a kick, it gives me a sense of purpose to help people and to talk them and help them find a solution to their problems.
but is this really what i’m going to be able to do for the rest of my life? especially seeing as i have a lot to fix in my own life as well.
life is a very complicated thing. that’s why we need people to stand alongside us and push us along through the mess.
but for me? right now, there’s hardly been anyone pushing me through the mess. maybe i only have myself to blame, but some days, i really feel like there’s no one to talk to. even as people continue spilling their issues onto me.
how true the phrase is:
”the one who tries to make everyone else happy is often the loneliest.”
yeah, i’m a lonely fool. such is life. what’s there to do, but focus on the other parts for now?
"...you look a lot lighter nowadays, you know?" -Mr Low
some days, while standing in the MRT on the way to work, my mind tends to slip into thought. and one of the things that is always recurring is this: right now, even though the road ahead looks like it's going to be anything but smooth, even though it looks like hell ahead, i'm fine with it.
yes, i'm fine with my life.
it's strange. and i know that at times i still whine and complain about the amount of nonsense that i have to go through, either due to self-infliction or choice or circumstances beyond my control. but somehow, either way, what i am now is the product of what has happened over the past 18 years or so, and even though i realise that it could have gone so many other different ways, well, frankly, if i look back, i wouldn't have it any other way.
the happy events were there to keep me alive.
the painful parts were there to teach me the value of the good times.
the stressful bits were there to help me learn how to manage things better.
in short, everything in life is a learning experience. sure, i learnt the hard way for many, many things. including one very major aspect. but that aside, far from dwelling on the past, i realise now that frankly, even though one can grow up in the worst environment possible, there is still hope to reject what you are born into, and to reject the circumstances that could turn you negative.
you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you deal with it.
i'm not happy with how my life has gone for the past 18 years. i know that i would love to have a whole lot more than what i have right now, and i would love to have a whole lot less trouble than what i have right now. but all that aside, well, i'm satisfied with what's happened. what has happened to me for the past 18 years has been quite a lot, and while i'm far from mature, and far from anything good, it's worked in a way to bring me to where i am right now, and frankly...i'm satisfied. even with the whole dropping out of JC issue.
other than that, i should probably go back to sleep. i can't believe i woke up at 1am in the morning just to type this out.
some days, while standing in the MRT on the way to work, my mind tends to slip into thought. and one of the things that is always recurring is this: right now, even though the road ahead looks like it's going to be anything but smooth, even though it looks like hell ahead, i'm fine with it.
yes, i'm fine with my life.
it's strange. and i know that at times i still whine and complain about the amount of nonsense that i have to go through, either due to self-infliction or choice or circumstances beyond my control. but somehow, either way, what i am now is the product of what has happened over the past 18 years or so, and even though i realise that it could have gone so many other different ways, well, frankly, if i look back, i wouldn't have it any other way.
the happy events were there to keep me alive.
the painful parts were there to teach me the value of the good times.
the stressful bits were there to help me learn how to manage things better.
in short, everything in life is a learning experience. sure, i learnt the hard way for many, many things. including one very major aspect. but that aside, far from dwelling on the past, i realise now that frankly, even though one can grow up in the worst environment possible, there is still hope to reject what you are born into, and to reject the circumstances that could turn you negative.
you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you deal with it.
i'm not happy with how my life has gone for the past 18 years. i know that i would love to have a whole lot more than what i have right now, and i would love to have a whole lot less trouble than what i have right now. but all that aside, well, i'm satisfied with what's happened. what has happened to me for the past 18 years has been quite a lot, and while i'm far from mature, and far from anything good, it's worked in a way to bring me to where i am right now, and frankly...i'm satisfied. even with the whole dropping out of JC issue.
other than that, i should probably go back to sleep. i can't believe i woke up at 1am in the morning just to type this out.
because work defines me.
because even when i'm tired, even when i can't get up, even when my life is in chaos, i still need to work. i still need to type that last word, to finish that last line in the proposal, to clean that last loose end up.
and even when it's all done, even when i breathe a sigh of relief at how one whole load has been smoothly finished, i throw myself into yet another load of work and drown myself in it. i complain. i suffer. i hold my head in my hands some days and wonder whether i've gotten myself into more than i can handle.
but that's me.
without work, without a huge workload to torture myself, i cannot function. work defines me. lots of work. unfortunately so. the pain of having to rush, the late nights, the lack of sleep, it all comes together.
it's funny how i can bring hope to so many, how i can spur so many on and push them and encourage them and force them to keep fighting against their circumstances, yet i can't even save myself.
and so i push on, trying to live my life, trying to do what little i can.
because ultimately that's all i can offer to this world now.
because even when i'm tired, even when i can't get up, even when my life is in chaos, i still need to work. i still need to type that last word, to finish that last line in the proposal, to clean that last loose end up.
and even when it's all done, even when i breathe a sigh of relief at how one whole load has been smoothly finished, i throw myself into yet another load of work and drown myself in it. i complain. i suffer. i hold my head in my hands some days and wonder whether i've gotten myself into more than i can handle.
but that's me.
without work, without a huge workload to torture myself, i cannot function. work defines me. lots of work. unfortunately so. the pain of having to rush, the late nights, the lack of sleep, it all comes together.
it's funny how i can bring hope to so many, how i can spur so many on and push them and encourage them and force them to keep fighting against their circumstances, yet i can't even save myself.
and so i push on, trying to live my life, trying to do what little i can.
because ultimately that's all i can offer to this world now.
i miss my Sec 3 Section. i miss 1T03. i miss 2T03. i miss CJC. i miss being a student. i miss wearing blue. i miss history outlines and literature essays. i miss Mr Fahy's screaming. i miss the long queues in the canteen and i miss the food.
but then again all this is just whining. i can't go back, i had my chance, even though it was hell i enjoyed my 2 years in JC somewhat, and it's time to look forward.
hello, 2012.
let's hope you aren't here only for my funeral. may you be a better year. even if it's hell on Tekong, even if NS is going to be insane, may i come out a stronger and better man.
we'll see.
but then again all this is just whining. i can't go back, i had my chance, even though it was hell i enjoyed my 2 years in JC somewhat, and it's time to look forward.
hello, 2012.
let's hope you aren't here only for my funeral. may you be a better year. even if it's hell on Tekong, even if NS is going to be insane, may i come out a stronger and better man.
we'll see.
“Do you ever think we’re going to make it through the next 4 years?”
“We’re still Sec 1. Don’t think so far first.”
"David Chu, APL, Mousedeer Patrol."
“You’re just an APL, but don't let that discourage you."
“Just because you didn’t get into the NPC team doesn’t mean things won’t work out somehow, David.”
“Pack your bag for next week. You're in the NPC team now."
“Screw the O levels! I’m never going to make it anyway.”
“So…this is what CJ looks like.”
“JC is already hard enough, and you want me to take a Section?”
“…gentlemen, it has been an honor to be your Section Leader this year. I’m very proud of the 9 of you.”
“Once i’m done with Venturing, i’m stepping down. To hell with being a Rover.”
“I, David Chu, as a Rover, swear upon my honor…”
“Retaining is going to suck. It’s going to take ages. And the J1s are screwed up.”
“I won’t ever leave you. I promise.”
“…can we go back to being friends?”
“…I don’t want to leave CJC. The year is almost over. And i’ve made friends here, somehow.”
“…you are required to see Mrs Kong next Tuesday to discuss your promotional exam results.”
“I’m going to leave.”
“Is that really what you want?”
“Yes.”
“Ma’am. With all due respect, I would like to withdraw from CJ.”
“…you are required to report to CMPB for a further medical review on…”
"Are you going to do it, Chu?"
"...hey, i understand this might be a really weird thing to say at this time, but, the truth is..."
“You might make a good counselor, Chu. You’ve lived through enough nonsense to have empathy with people.”
“We’re always happy to take in interns as long as they’re willing to learn. See you at our office. 27th December, 10am.”
One journey has ended, and another is about to begin.
The past can’t return, but we can always learn from it and move forward. Somehow or other. It’s been a bad year, it’s been a good year.
I’ve lived a long life so far, but there’s a much longer time lying ahead, waiting for me. Ultimately, whatever happens, is going to happen, and I’m just going to have to make the best out it.
After all, everything in life is a learning experience.
“We’re still Sec 1. Don’t think so far first.”
"David Chu, APL, Mousedeer Patrol."
“You’re just an APL, but don't let that discourage you."
“Just because you didn’t get into the NPC team doesn’t mean things won’t work out somehow, David.”
“Pack your bag for next week. You're in the NPC team now."
“Screw the O levels! I’m never going to make it anyway.”
“So…this is what CJ looks like.”
“JC is already hard enough, and you want me to take a Section?”
“…gentlemen, it has been an honor to be your Section Leader this year. I’m very proud of the 9 of you.”
“Once i’m done with Venturing, i’m stepping down. To hell with being a Rover.”
“I, David Chu, as a Rover, swear upon my honor…”
“Retaining is going to suck. It’s going to take ages. And the J1s are screwed up.”
“I won’t ever leave you. I promise.”
“…can we go back to being friends?”
“…I don’t want to leave CJC. The year is almost over. And i’ve made friends here, somehow.”
“…you are required to see Mrs Kong next Tuesday to discuss your promotional exam results.”
“I’m going to leave.”
“Is that really what you want?”
“Yes.”
“Ma’am. With all due respect, I would like to withdraw from CJ.”
“…you are required to report to CMPB for a further medical review on…”
"Are you going to do it, Chu?"
"...hey, i understand this might be a really weird thing to say at this time, but, the truth is..."
“You might make a good counselor, Chu. You’ve lived through enough nonsense to have empathy with people.”
“We’re always happy to take in interns as long as they’re willing to learn. See you at our office. 27th December, 10am.”
One journey has ended, and another is about to begin.
The past can’t return, but we can always learn from it and move forward. Somehow or other. It’s been a bad year, it’s been a good year.
I’ve lived a long life so far, but there’s a much longer time lying ahead, waiting for me. Ultimately, whatever happens, is going to happen, and I’m just going to have to make the best out it.
After all, everything in life is a learning experience.
that's what i'm not.
neither am i over the past, neither am i ready to face the future, and neither am i able to survive the present.
within the span of the past 3 hours, i've already metaphorically shot myself in the foot at least 10 times. to hell with all the euphoria and reassurance from the lunch meeting with the NRC Chairman, to hell with the positive mood today, the fact is that being the fucking non-genius i am, i've probably wasted all that positivity anyway. and turned it into negativity.
this is self-fucking-torture week, probably, and after this week i will learn to stop torturing myself and drag myself out of my mental hell. eventually. somehow. one day.
i'm sick and tired of being who i am, what i am, and everything else.
i want to change but every little bit of progress i make is followed by a long chain of regress.
i'm a completely fucked up person, who can't even save himself, but wants to save others. why the fuck am i even doing social work and being a counseling intern, when i can't even fix my own life, or help myself? it's like the ultimate act of hypocrisy. maybe i should just go be a waiter instead.
i don't even know why i'm typing all this, neither do i know why i am still awake at this time of the morning. let's hope i don't fall asleep and die at the cycling trail tomorrow. but then again, it might be a release from all this. you never know.
neither am i over the past, neither am i ready to face the future, and neither am i able to survive the present.
within the span of the past 3 hours, i've already metaphorically shot myself in the foot at least 10 times. to hell with all the euphoria and reassurance from the lunch meeting with the NRC Chairman, to hell with the positive mood today, the fact is that being the fucking non-genius i am, i've probably wasted all that positivity anyway. and turned it into negativity.
this is self-fucking-torture week, probably, and after this week i will learn to stop torturing myself and drag myself out of my mental hell. eventually. somehow. one day.
i'm sick and tired of being who i am, what i am, and everything else.
i want to change but every little bit of progress i make is followed by a long chain of regress.
i'm a completely fucked up person, who can't even save himself, but wants to save others. why the fuck am i even doing social work and being a counseling intern, when i can't even fix my own life, or help myself? it's like the ultimate act of hypocrisy. maybe i should just go be a waiter instead.
i don't even know why i'm typing all this, neither do i know why i am still awake at this time of the morning. let's hope i don't fall asleep and die at the cycling trail tomorrow. but then again, it might be a release from all this. you never know.
it's 4am in the morning.
i'm still sitting here in front of my laptop, working on a proposal that i never wanted to begin, or finish, or even consider, yet it's here, it's being typed, and because i've already begun, i might as well finish it and hand it up during the AGM later.
the fact is that, proposal or not, i can't sleep, anyway. for the past 2 weeks or so, i've been having constant nightmares. or can you call them nightmares? disturbing dreams, maybe. with no coherent plot, some without form or substance even, mostly centering around emotions of fear, panic, and adrenaline. i don't think it's anything serious because last year, there was a similar period and it ended eventually, so for now, it's just annoying.
could do with a little less annoyance though. this phase is probably the result of extended stress, an idle mind, and a bit too many things to think about. similar to last year, after flunking promos as well. except that this time, i've dropped out of CJC and am about to face up to the next stage of life.
it might be harder though. today's research on Poly admission shows that already, the odds are stacked against me. funny how the system in Singapore is so unforgiving nowadays. yet i've got no choice but to push on. get into Poly or get a diploma somehow (MDIS might be an option). get the degree. find a job that i actually might enjoy, might do well in, and might be able to sustain living.
i got the counseling intern job at Adrian's place. he mentioned that the pay is extremely low, but i don't really care. i think i need the next few months of internship to figure out whether counseling is really for me. it was an idea i've toyed with for some time already, and now that there's the opportunity to see what it's like, i can decide whether i want to set my future there, before i take the diploma and seal it. if not, then...there's always the alternative plan of being a lit teacher.
tonight has just been weird. i had a lot more to type, but i really can't find the right words to express it. maybe another time, then. so far life has been bringing a lot of challenges, but that's life. and this year has been a year of making painful choices, accepting things beyond my control, and forcing myself to take leaps of faith even in the middle of a secure life.
better to face the harsh reality than to live in a sweet delusion, though.
i don't even know what i am, what i want, or what i can do anymore, but eventually, slowly, i'll just try to find it.
i'm still sitting here in front of my laptop, working on a proposal that i never wanted to begin, or finish, or even consider, yet it's here, it's being typed, and because i've already begun, i might as well finish it and hand it up during the AGM later.
the fact is that, proposal or not, i can't sleep, anyway. for the past 2 weeks or so, i've been having constant nightmares. or can you call them nightmares? disturbing dreams, maybe. with no coherent plot, some without form or substance even, mostly centering around emotions of fear, panic, and adrenaline. i don't think it's anything serious because last year, there was a similar period and it ended eventually, so for now, it's just annoying.
could do with a little less annoyance though. this phase is probably the result of extended stress, an idle mind, and a bit too many things to think about. similar to last year, after flunking promos as well. except that this time, i've dropped out of CJC and am about to face up to the next stage of life.
it might be harder though. today's research on Poly admission shows that already, the odds are stacked against me. funny how the system in Singapore is so unforgiving nowadays. yet i've got no choice but to push on. get into Poly or get a diploma somehow (MDIS might be an option). get the degree. find a job that i actually might enjoy, might do well in, and might be able to sustain living.
i got the counseling intern job at Adrian's place. he mentioned that the pay is extremely low, but i don't really care. i think i need the next few months of internship to figure out whether counseling is really for me. it was an idea i've toyed with for some time already, and now that there's the opportunity to see what it's like, i can decide whether i want to set my future there, before i take the diploma and seal it. if not, then...there's always the alternative plan of being a lit teacher.
tonight has just been weird. i had a lot more to type, but i really can't find the right words to express it. maybe another time, then. so far life has been bringing a lot of challenges, but that's life. and this year has been a year of making painful choices, accepting things beyond my control, and forcing myself to take leaps of faith even in the middle of a secure life.
better to face the harsh reality than to live in a sweet delusion, though.
i don't even know what i am, what i want, or what i can do anymore, but eventually, slowly, i'll just try to find it.
learn from the past.
live for the present.
prepare for the future.
don't give up. keep moving. even when you're in the worst situation possible, find some good and latch onto it. don't let go of anything, keep forcing yourself ahead, find joy in simple things, in just being alive.
find a purpose in life. stick to it. force yourself to go on with it. try new things, improve on existing things, make sure you don't slip into a state of idleness.
no matter what, don't give your mind over to overthinking. give yourself a treat for once, and smother yourself with enough positive, fulfilling activities to distract yourself from painful thoughts, whether it might be Scouts or your new job or anything else.
there's so much more out there. realize that, stop moping, and the moment that you realize that you're able to live by your own will, the rest should fall into place slowly.
live for the present.
prepare for the future.
don't give up. keep moving. even when you're in the worst situation possible, find some good and latch onto it. don't let go of anything, keep forcing yourself ahead, find joy in simple things, in just being alive.
find a purpose in life. stick to it. force yourself to go on with it. try new things, improve on existing things, make sure you don't slip into a state of idleness.
no matter what, don't give your mind over to overthinking. give yourself a treat for once, and smother yourself with enough positive, fulfilling activities to distract yourself from painful thoughts, whether it might be Scouts or your new job or anything else.
there's so much more out there. realize that, stop moping, and the moment that you realize that you're able to live by your own will, the rest should fall into place slowly.
